Easy Supper recipe for a young man, newly up at Oxford: It is so difficult for young men from India , going up to University abroad. They are spoiled here with mothers and maids and cooks and are never encouraged to learn to cook for themselves. So here’s some advice and a quick recipe, guaranteed to impress.
Go to Marks & Spencer’s Food Hall, (if they don’t have them anymore, try Sainsburys….). Buy 2 Pork Chops, one large onion, a head of Garlic, smallest available jar of ginger paste, tiny jar of Turmeric (Haldi in India…ask mother to write down the English names of all Indian spices and herbs that her cook puts in your favourite food)..tiny jar of Cummin (Jeera). Also buy smallest available jars/bottles of Blue Cheese Dressing & Extra Virgin Olive Oil & One small tub of Double Cream (1/4 pint). One small jar of Green Capers.
Step 1: Take a medium-sized bowl, put in 1 dessertspoonful of olive oil, 2 heaped tablespoons of Blue Cheese Dressing and empty in the tub of Cream. Add 1 flat teaspoon each of Turmeric and Cummin…..a dash of salt and pepper and beat like mad, preferably with a French Whisk….(always leave this lying around the kitchen, it impresses people )…..
till the mixture thickens a bit. Set this aside.
Step 2: Peel the onion, and chop it into slices, then holding the tip (blunt side up ) of chopping knife down on chopping board with left hand, hold handle in right hand and move up and down, chopping onion slices into little bits. (always employ this chopping style, especially if anyone is watching, very impressive).
When chopping onions, lightly hold a slice of bread in your mouth, it stops your eyes from watering as the rising fumes are absorbed by the bread. Discard bread slice and spit out any soggy bits. Try to do this bit when alone as it looks jolly silly.
Step 3: Take a deep-frying pan. put in 2 table spoons of Olive Oil and heat on medium. After a couple of minutes chuck in a piece of onion, if it sizzles you’re ready to Rock. Chuck in rest of onion and garlic bits and let them sizzle slowly. When the onion is opaque, it’s ready. Add teaspoon of ginger paste, stir it all for 30 seconds, add pork chops, turn down the heat and cook slowly. Keep turning the chops over, and after a while check if they are cooked. This is easy. Stab them with a sharp knife and if no blood comes out and the knife goes in easily, they are done. Pour in the Blue Cheese / cream mixture and heat through slowly, stirring all the time.
Throw in 10 Capers…..they do bugger all for the taste, but again it impresses people. (When accepting accolades later, say things like “Oh, I use Capers and Juniper Berries in soooo much of my cooking…”..but be sure to say this in a very manly voice, in a butch stance and with no hand movements, or you may be directed towards the wrong Societies at Oxford).
Set the pan aside until 15 minutes before you want to serve, at which time heat it through thoroughly.,Like most college types, you will have had a glass, or three, of white wine while you were cooking…..slosh in a bit before you heat. Serve with a tossed salad of lettuce, tomato, cucumber, broccoli, and if you really want to impress, add Star Fruit.
Serve in a warmed dish and at the last-minute, sprinkle some dried herbs over it…looks good. If you have invited your classmate The Hon.Penelope Ponsonby-Smythe to supper, this should lead to a couple of jolly house-parties at Mummy and Daddy’s ‘little Georgian Manor House’ in Wiltshire. But if you have invited your other classmate, Princess Benazir Makhtoum Al Makhtoum bin Saud, with the hope of a couple of days racing at Royal Ascot when Daddy’s horses are running in the Gold Cup, THEN BE SURE TO SUBSTITUTE CHICKEN BREASTS FOR THE PORK CHOPS..!!
If you have not followed instructions and it tastes deeply disgusting, then call for the Barouche, instruct the driver, whip the horses, (not to mention the stableboys ), and take your guest down to the street that is a continuation of Cornmarket, past the Martyrs Memorial, and on the right is a pub called The Goat in Boots / The Bald Eagle / The Black Boy or somesuch frightfully English name ( We used to frequent the lastnamed, a pub in Bucks…..I kid you not…!!)……actually I think the pub is called The Lamb and Flag, with a painted sign of…..Yup,… a fluffy white lamb holding a white flag emblazoned with the red Cross of St. George…or something….
Now where was I ??…
“Nursey, can I have my medication…and where oh where is my whip, (not to mention the stableboys)….??”
Patrick Wilson designs and makes blinds, home furnishings and bags in silk and is officiated literary mascot of she whom he has anointed ‘the Pen Goddess’.
Read more about him in Anita Nair’s Good Night and God Bless.